BP Re-re-re-re-estimates the extent of oil spill

May 24 2010

MONDAY, WASHINGTON - British energy company BP today released their latest estimate of the true extent of the oil leaking into the ocean by the galleon off the Gulf of Mexico as “pretty fucking huge”.

This new estimate is purported to be the result of much consultation with experts, including Gus the Louisiana Marsh Pelican who is an associate professor in Being Soaked in Oil.

Uncertainties surrounding the disaster were assuaged last night when Robert Gibbs, govt press secretary appeared on Face the Nation, clearing up a lot of slippery questions that have been gushing out of more than just a damaged pipeline.[/puns]

“Many of the department’s representative’s have flown over the area,” he assured the program. “You know, and looked at it, and, uh, stuff.”

There is an increasing scepticism surrounding the capabilities of British Petroleum to solve this ecological disaster. BP had originally stated that they had collected 5000 barrels of oil, but have since admitted they were ‘very small barrels’.

Other schemes suggested by BP over the course of the month included using booms made out of human hair, a proposal rejected due to the lack of support, or indeed hair, from Donald Trump.

The latest scheme, however, involves shooting mud pies at the leak, a proposition which is being supported by the Haitian public, who are generously donating one of their only food sources for the cause.

But independent experts are now warning of even greater leaks consisting of grey matter from the brains of BP executives. There are several plans to stem the flow of this leakage, the most recent of which is plugging the hole with discarded stock certificates generously donated by BP shareholders.