Farmers rejoice - ‘Jesus coming to reign on earth’.

February 16 2010

EVERYWHERE: This just in – Jesus Christ, the well-known messianic figure made famous by his penchant for performing miraculous feats, is reportedly returning to his home planet sometime in the immediate future, in order to take up physical residence and possibly totalitarian leadership.

The report comes from a small church in the Northern suburbs of Perth, Western Australia, where a bulletin board proclaims the truth of this matter as not just likely, but extremely probable.

Father Jeremy Meyers, the pastor of the church, stands by the claim.

“Judgement day is nigh,” the pastor affirms. “Forget all your politically correct nonsense, Westerners, for they shall all be stripped bare when the Lord looks upon your naked soul.”

Whether or not such a scantily clad soul is seen as an abomination is dependent on the gender of the soul.

The reign of Mr. Christ, according to multiple sources, will be heralded by trumpets, angelic activity, heavenly signs, a gathering of saints and a small headline on MSN Today.

According to The Bible, a sometimes historical text that focuses on the issue, claims that when the reign does come, it will do so visibly, and probably from the nearest cloud.

Pastor Meyers, for one, denies claims that there no sign of an apocalypse forthcoming. The apocalypse, also known as Armageddon, is an epic battle of good versus evil associated with the end of time.

“There are plenty of signs. Natural disasters like moderate humidity levels and plagues like Facebook and Twitter are all pointing in one direction,” says Meyers. “It all points to reign.”

Television stations are already beginning to stake out certain clouds, keen to be the first to spot the reign. The Bureau of Meteorology has invested much of their yearly budget in the same activity.

Mr. Christ’s agent was not available for comment.