Gillard admits to harbouring rampant atheistic tendencies, hair dye

29 June 2010

CANBERRA, TUESDAY: In perhaps the most shocking development in federal politics since the overnight political assassination of Kevin Rudd last Thursday, Julia Gillard has stated that she has no belief in a supernatural being or beings.

This latest development plants Gillard firmly on the heathen map, alongside historical leaders such as Stalin, Hitler and Chairman Mao, as well as other notorious figures including but not limited to serial killers, lawyers and the entire Jewish race.

Christian groups have expressed outrage at the development, claiming that an unmarried communist is no fit role model for the Australian people. Girls, they claim, need to be shown how to make a man commit, how to cook a good roast and how to not get abortions.

“To go from leaders and upstanding Christian citizens like John Howard and Kevin Rudd, to this godless, childless heathen is no less than a religious crisis,” claims a spokesperson from one of the groups. “Australia needs a good example on which to model their own behaviour.”

Studies have shown that the Australian people indeed exhibit behaviour that appears to emulate their leader. From 1996 to 2008, green tracksuit sales skyrocketed. After 2008, strip joints grew in popularity, as did Mandarin for Dummies and Insulation for the Intellectually Disabled.

“What they don’t need,” the spokesperson continued. “Is a leader who blatantly casts off the One True God and instead marries herself to Satan."

Julies Gillard has declined to comment, but her PR representative has stated that while  she is not married to Mr. Satan, they are in a de-facto relationship.